InsaneJournal

Current mood:

miserable

[private entry]
Access: Hannah

The world slows down, but my heart beats fast right now. I know this is the part where the end starts.


I'm a wreck. It's not even on the same level, but I haven't felt this miserable since Blue's accident.

I don't know if I'm angry or if I'm guilty or if I'm just stupid sad. I hate it.

Everything was fine, you know? Things were getting better. Lorenzo and I worked our shit out and, I don't know, I think I saw a side of him I'd never really seen before. He's deeper than he pretends to be, I know that. I've always known that, 'cuz I don't think I could be as into him as I am if he was just some dumb guy constantly looking for a fight.

He was pretty wonderful on Valentine's Day. He was the first real Valentine I've ever really had. He's not the kind of guy to be romantic or anything. Who the hell knows if his mind even works that way, but he tried. He cooked for me. He even had dessert. He didn't kill my dog. And he was actually . . . kinda . . . sweet. I feel like, by typing that, Hell just froze over.

He looked at me. He said I was beautiful. He also said a few things that were kinda dirty, but, well, it's Lo.

I get this feeling when I'm close to him. Kind of warm and tingly. It's not the same as being turned on. It's just, like, I'm happier being with him than I am when he's not around.

So that's not really something you'd think I'd try to mess up, right?

I didn't try. Dante came over last weekend. We don't hang out as much as we used to, but I said we could make it a movie night. He met Dax. We curled up on the couch together and it was a lot like the way things used to be. It was comfortable.

I don't even really remember how we started arguing, but one thing lead to another and then somehow we were talking about me getting back together with Lorenzo. I knew it wasn't something he'd want to hear. I know he doesn't like Lo.

The next thing I knew, were practically yelling at each other and I was accusing him of walking away from the fight . . . because walking away is what he's good at. I wish I hadn't said that. I don't really blame Dante for the choices he's made. I just don't always understand.

I don't understand the way he looks at me. Sometimes it catches me so off-guard. I don't understand how he can say that he cares about me, that he wants me, but never does anything about it. Did I want too much from him? I know it's too late now. I'm with Lorenzo and I'm happy with Lorenzo. God, fucking, Christ, Jesus. Who the hell would have ever thought I'd say anything like that?!? But it's true. I like being with Lo. I like being with him when we're fighting and I like being with him when we're fucking and I like being with him when we're sitting around and he's giving me that you-know-all-that-talking-is-making-my-ears-bleed kinda look. I know he knows I like him. And he knows I know that I don't annoy him half as much as he says.

But Dante. I just need to know why? Why does he get to be upset that I'm with Lorenzo when he's the one who backed off?

And maybe I need to know how, too. How could he just stand there when I was asking him, practically begging him, to just give me some sign that he feels something, and do nothing?

I know it wasn't right and I feel shitty about it. It wasn't fair to Dante, it wasn't fair to Lorenzo, and it wasn't even fair to me. I'm with Lorenzo. I made my choice. I'm not saying I'm stuck . . . but for right now, I'm where I want to be. Getting into things with Dante all over again would just turn this into some kind of clusterfuck. You know. More than it already is.

But what if he had done something? Would it change the way I feel about the situation?

He didn't. So it doesn't matter.

I kissed him. It wasn't just some kind of friendly kiss or the kind of sentimental kiss I'd imagine you'd give an ex when you still have some lingering feelings. It was hot and intense and a little chaotic. If I hadn't stopped . . . I think it could have gone places.

But I did stop. That's what counts, right?

No. Not even a little. I kissed him and then I was mean. I was cruel. I said hurtful things just so I'd know he'd think back on it later and feel the same stab of pain I felt when he let me go. (Figuratively, not literally.)

It was revenge. It was closure. It was the hammering of the last nail in the coffin of what could-have-been. It's . . . over. Beyond over. I don't even know if we're still friends.

I'm a miserable person.