InsaneJournal

Current mood:

distressed

[private entry] Access to Hannah and Blue only
Ok. So. The real story?

I’m so fucked up in the head. I don’t even know where to start. I don’t know what to think or do or say, cuz everything I do ends up . . . fucked.

I slept with Dante. Back in February. You know that. It was kinda a big deal, what with the whole virginity thing and all. I don’t know. At the time, it all felt perfect. No, we weren’t in some kind of exclusive deal when I left, but aside from that whole make-out session in Lo’s car, it’s not like I was even remotely attracted to anyone else in that way. I’m still not. You know, except for Lorenzo.

We fooled around when he was in LA. But it’s not like anything happened. Yeah, it was sexy in a disturbing kind of way, but he had to go and ruin it and that just pissed me off, even though I guess I should have been thanking him or something. Every time I think I’m done with him, something else happens. I kind of hate it, like I kind of hate him.

I ran into him . . . by accident . . . at his garage. Seriously. It was an accident. Jules was there to see her boy-toy, who just happens to be Lo’s best friend, and she didn’t TELL me where I was meeting her, just told me to meet her at that intersection so we could hop on the subway and hit up some midtown shopping.

It wasn’t anything pretty. I should have thrown a wrench at his head. I would have, if I’d thought of it. We were at each other’s throats and Jules had to pull me out of there. Literally. You know what’s better than throwing a wrench? Throwing a pair of $595 Bruno Frisoni stilettos.

I explicitly told him he wasn’t invited to my party.

Ok, I knew what that was going to do. Bottom line: maybe I wanted him there. There’s something about fighting with Lorenzo that just gets me all hyped up. Even when I’m angry, it’s like . . . a part of me likes it. It’s sick. I’m sick. I can’t help it.

I wasn’t sure he was gonna show. It was late, after midnight, when he did. And when I did see him? My sister (Nat) was, like, all over him. I wanted to pull her hair and tell her to find her own guy. It was . . . weird.

The other weird thing was that once I got him away from my family, he was kind of, I don’t know, nice? He let me drive his car. That was his birthday present to me. I’ve got a thing for fast cars and all the work he’s put into his? I’m not gonna lie. It’s sex on wheels. Like, sleek and smooth and handles just right. And it’s stick. That baby can go.

So, yeah. We left. I drove all the way to the Hamptons. It’s a long story, one I’m not going to go into right now cuz it’s so not the point, but what is the point is that I had sex with Lorenzo. Does that make me a bad person? I kinda feel like it does. Then I feel worse, cuz I don’t regret it. We went swimming in the bay (hey, we had our undies on!) and then one thing led to another and the next thing I knew, BOOM! We were doin’ it in the grass by the shore.

I’d go into how he’s not like Dante, but I don’t wanna get into comparing them. I can’t. They’re both amazing.

We spent the night there and half the next day and I hate to say it, but I didn’t want to leave. We were actually having . . . fun. Getting along. That kind of thing. I mean, seriously. Is that what sex does to people?

My sisters – namely the one who’s a D.A. – had a freaking mad cow. Something about how I can’t go do my own thing without telling anyone. It’s bullshit.

I didn’t see Dante at all while I was in New York that time. When I went back in July and we hung out . . . I felt so . . . guilty. We were on his couch, fooling around, and I couldn’t help myself. I had to tell him. I know. Lots of people would say I’m stupid for opening my big mouth, but I couldn’t just . . . be with him . . . and not say anything. It didn’t feel right. I felt like I’d hurt him more in the long run if I just pretended that nothing had happened with Lo.

Ok. That’s not so much true. I mean, it is. But. I didn’t just tell him I’d been with another guy. I told him the truth. That . . . I have feelings . . . for another guy.

I do. I don’t know what they are, but I know they’re there. I care about both of them, but it’s not the same. I haven’t even seen or talked to Lorenzo since early May – except for this one text message conversation we had when I was drunk – but there are feelings there that I can’t explain. I know he doesn’t feel the same. I don’t think he cares one way or the other, honestly. If I told him I couldn’t see him anymore cuz of another guy, he’d move on without another thought. Hell. He’s probably been fucking a ton of girls since I saw him last. I just . . . can’t do it. I can’t break things off with him. Even if it means losing Dante, in that way.

Which, I have. He was upset the night I told him. I thought it’d be best to give him space, but I could only take it for about a week. We met for coffee and . . . talked. He said he couldn’t do it. That he wouldn’t wait around for me to make a decision. I don’t blame him. I just don’t want to lose his friendship. I have feelings for him – strong feelings – but I told him I’d try to control that.

It’s not like I chose Lorenzo over Dante. Just like I can’t choose Dante over Lorenzo. Maybe it’s for the best this way, I don’t know. I want them both but I can’t have them both and even though I feel like I’m still hurting Dante by wanting Lo, I can’t just stop. Besides. Dante’s the one who backed off and drew the line. Since he doesn’t want to be with me, why shouldn’t I spend time with Lo?

Ugh. It all comes out so wrong. It’s not like I want to be with Lo just cuz Dante dropped me. FUCK!!!!!

I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I saw Lo with Nat and I got so . . . whatever. Dante and I are trying this thing where we hang out and try to make things go back to the way they used to be when we were just friends, but when I saw him dancing with this other chick, it made me mad. And then I got all up in her face and I’d like to say it’s cuz I’d had one (or three) shots too many, but I don’t know.

I don’t know anything.

Except I’m gonna die old and alone cuz I can’t figure out what the hell I want.